Notice This: Have You Been Manipulated?
Updated: Oct 4
By QueenB.Divine
Notice this. Have you ever been manipulated? Manipulated. That is one hell of a word, isn’t it? It almost rolls off the tongue too nicely for something that feels so damn awful when it happens to you. Because manipulation doesn’t always walk into the room wearing a villain cape and announcing, “Good morning. I’m here to screw with your head.” Sometimes it smiles. Sometimes it compliments you. Sometimes it tells you it only wants what’s best for you. And sometimes it asks you for $2.40 at the grocery store. Stay with me. We’re getting there.
The other morning I was sitting around doing something I consider one of the greatest luxuries I have in my life: thinking. That’s it. Just thinking. And I’m starting to wonder if thinking is becoming a little old-school. We have technology helping us finish sentences, maps telling us where to turn, algorithms telling us what we might like, notifications telling us what deserves our attention and little buttons constantly prompting us to click this, buy this, watch this, answer this, do this now. I appreciate technology. I use it. Clearly. But I also appreciate sitting my ass down and letting my own brain finish a thought.
Remember math class when the teacher would say, “Show your work”? They didn’t just want the answer. They wanted to see how the hell you got there. That process matters. And believe it or not, that brings me to steak. See? I told you I hadn’t lost my train of thought.
The other day I went to the butcher. I had gotten my tax return, so I decided to treat myself to some T-bone steaks. Sometimes you have to live a little. I’m not saying blow your retirement fund at the butcher counter, but damn, buy yourself the steak once in a while. The steaks were huge, though. Money has to stretch around here, so I asked the butcher to cut them in half. A whole T-bone is gorgeous. Half a T-bone is still dinner.
They cut them, wrapped them up and I headed to the cash register. The woman at the register looked at my package. Then she looked at the label. Then back at the meat. Then the label again. You could almost hear the gears turning. The label said T-bone, but what she was looking at didn’t match the picture her brain had stored for what a T-bone steak was supposed to look like. She became genuinely confused. Finally, she opened the package a little, looked at it and said something like, “Oh! Did you have a T-bone cut in half?” Yep.
I remember thinking, look at that. She thought it through. Something didn’t make sense, so instead of blindly accepting what was in front of her, she stopped. She questioned it. She compared what she was seeing with what she already knew. She investigated. Then she came to her own conclusion. That little moment at the butcher counter got me thinking about manipulation because manipulation often depends on us not doing exactly what she just did.
My definition of manipulation is pretty simple. It’s when someone lays out the scenery in a particular way so you will arrive at the conclusion they want you to arrive at instead of giving you the space to arrive at your own. They may leave something out. Add pressure. Use guilt. Create urgency. Play on your kindness, your fear, your insecurity or even your hope. The goal is to influence the outcome. Sometimes the person doing it may genuinely believe their outcome is better for you. Other times? They simply want something from you. Your money. Your attention. Your agreement. Your energy. Your obedience. Your click. Your silence. Your yes.
That’s why I think one of the greatest protections against manipulation is something we rarely talk about anymore: your ability to think. Not react. Not immediately answer. Not click. Not panic. Think.
This subject hits me differently because I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to understand what I was told about myself versus what I eventually discovered for myself. There were things about my own identity and history that I didn’t understand until I was older. I’ve shared pieces of that story through my videos because sometimes telling a life story straight from beginning to end feels impossible. Mine seems to come out while I’m talking about nails, grocery stores, coffee, meat and whatever else life throws in front of me. That’s apparently how my brain files paperwork.
One thing I’ve learned is that when somebody keeps telling you who you are, eventually you may stop asking yourself who you are. That is where manipulation can become incredibly powerful. After enough repetition, you may start doing the manipulating for them. You silence your own questions. You distrust your instincts. You think, maybe I’m wrong. And sometimes you are wrong. We all are. But there is a difference between discovering you were wrong through your own thought process and being pushed toward somebody else’s conclusion before you’ve even had the chance to think.
My husband and I were grocery shopping recently, and when we got to the cash register the cashier started making friendly conversation with us. He asked my husband if he needed a bag. Naturally, I whispered to my husband, “Tell him you already got one.” Meaning me. Terrible joke. Absolutely terrible. I stand by it. Everybody laughed, though, and suddenly we were buddies.
I had noticed something, though. The person ahead of us didn’t get quite the same friendly performance. Interesting. Then the cashier started telling us about some fundraiser involving his boss, a cliff or throwing the boss off something—I don’t remember because somewhere around there my internal manipulation detector went, BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. Then came the story. Cancer. Fundraiser. Good cause. Friendly conversation. And finally, would we like to donate a couple of dollars? There it is.
Now understand something. Supporting a charity is not inherently manipulation. Asking somebody to donate isn’t automatically manipulation either. What interested me was the sequence. Friendship first. Warmth. Laughing. Connection. Then the ask. Maybe it was completely innocent. Maybe he was just a friendly cashier doing his job. But I still noticed how quickly a little social connection can make us feel obligated to say yes.
My husband listened politely. He nodded. He smiled. Then he said, “No, I’m good.” We walked out and basically looked at each other like, did you see that? And that’s the point. You can enjoy the conversation and still say no. You can like someone and still say no. You can care about a cause and still decide for yourself. You can understand somebody’s reasoning without surrendering your own. That little pause between the request and your answer belongs to you. Protect it.
Once you start noticing persuasion and manipulation, you see how much of modern life is designed around getting us to move. Social media wants the click. Advertising wants the purchase. An influencer may want the affiliate commission. A headline wants your attention. A salesperson wants the sale. Even colours, smells, music, packaging and urgency can influence how we feel. That doesn’t mean everything is some giant evil conspiracy. Sometimes someone is simply selling a damn sweater. But awareness matters because influence becomes dangerous when you stop realizing you’re being influenced.
And there’s another form of manipulation that deserves its own conversation someday: jealousy. That little green-eyed monster can convince somebody that your light needs dimming because your brightness makes them uncomfortable. So own your light. Because if you don’t know what you carry, somebody else may convince you it isn’t worth very much.
Here’s something I wish more people understood. You do not have to answer everything immediately. You don’t have to buy it right now. You don’t have to respond to the message right now. You don’t have to agree because somebody is waiting for an answer. You don’t have to make a decision because a countdown clock says there are only seven minutes left. Girl, close the app...you too Boys
If somebody needs your answer before you’ve had enough time to understand the question, that urgency itself is information. Walk away. Sleep on it. Take a shower. Make coffee. Go for a walk. Buy half a T-bone. Whatever gives your brain enough room to hear itself again. Thinking something through is not weakness. Taking your time isn’t stupidity. Changing your mind isn’t failure. And asking, “Wait a minute… does this actually make sense to me?” may save you from handing somebody else the steering wheel to your life.
The woman at the butcher counter didn’t blindly trust the label. She looked. She questioned. She thought. Eventually everything made sense. Maybe we could all use a little more of that. Show your work, especially to yourself. Know your mind. Know what you want. Know what matters to you. When somebody starts rushing, flattering, frightening or confusing you toward a decision, give yourself permission to stop and think.
Your mind is still yours. Use the damn thing.
If this made you think about a time somebody tried to steer you somewhere you didn’t want to go, leave a comment and tell me about it. And if you want to hear more of my stories and the strange little everyday moments that make me stop and say, “Notice this,” come find me on YouTube at @selflovedailychannel — Canada’s SelfLove Daily Channel.
The cure is conversation. Self-love and self-care will get you there.
— QueenB.Divine
Notice This… Keep Going
If you're learning to hold more than one truth while finding your own spiritual footing, continue with Spiritually Ambidextrous.
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